Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Britney Spears: On the Market!

News of Britney Spears' divorce from (ugh) "K-Fed" inspires this question to get us through a long evening of election returns, NBA League Pass and resuming my weekly NFL rankings (after taking last week off):

Which athlete(s) would you rank highest as most likely to be Britney's rebound relationship? Extra points for creativity, clever ideas and/or multiple names sorted in a ranking...

UPDATE (11/08 1:25 p.m.): I just read that John Daly and his wife have filed for divorce. If you can imagine a romantic pairing that is any more frightening/hilarious than Britney Spears and John Daly, I defy you to name it.

42 comments:

Seb Pho said...

She is from the south; has she had one of those "date a black guy to piss off the parents and get knocked up" relationships yet? If not, I vote Shawn Kemp.

Dan Mega said...

LMAO at seb_pho- but I think K-Fed will be enough to "piss the parents off"...she did get knocked up by him twice.

Personally, I'd like to see what would happen if she hooked up with Kris Benson (will Anna Benson really "do" the entire Oriole squad?)

ChrTh said...

How about Adam Morrison? C'mon, you know that would be awesome.

Second choice: Matt Leinart.

Rob Lee said...

Well 2 weeks ago on WWE (which K-Fed has been on for the last few weeks) John Cena said if Kfed wasn't around he'd be spearin Britney.

And, last night on Raw K-Fed chalenged the 250lb Cena to a match Jan 1 2007 in "One of the MANY towns in which Britney and I live, Miami Fla"

HA! What a Jackass! To say that, and the next day she files.
As Ron Simmons would say . . .

DAMN!

isbtown said...

Can't someone come up with a good T.O. or Mike Tyson reason? I'm definitely not witty enough.

WuzUpG said...

I'd say Trent Green because he "Ooops!" he did it again.

JeterIs#1 said...

According to WithLeather, John Daly just got divorced??? Coincidence??? Not sure whose trailer they will live in though?? Guess it better to keep there options open

WuzUpG said...

How about Sammy Sosa because he's "Stronger than yesterday."

Ewww! Scary that I know some of these lyrics.

Jennifer said...

I know he's not an athlete, but how funny would a Bill Simmons Pity Fuck be? Watching his column spiral into a more ego-stroking (but ultimately whiney when she didn't return his calls and his wife left with his kid) mess would be hilarious!

Travis said...

Darius Miles... the both think they can act. Just think of the possibilities of a romantic comedy starring the two of them.

Nick said...

Well now, let's think about someone she has a lot in common with. Teen sensation, overexposed at too young of an age, been slummin' for the past couple years...

Wait for it...

None other than Maurice Clarett. How hot would those conjugal visits be?

JT said...

The timing of this news is oddly conspicuous. Now we know that the Democrats will win.

Chris (CT) said...

How about Tony Parker? Isn't Mario Lopez plowing Eva? If so he's going to be looking to hook up with someone easy and there can't be anyone easier than Miss Britney.

Steve said...

Doug Christie. Oh man that would be one awesome cat fight.

Fish said...

Out of left field it is going to be Jordan Farmar.

BottleRocket said...

I'm going with Randy Johnson, assuming she thinks The Big Unit stands for something else.

Spencer said...

The Spear Britney Spears Power Rankings:

1. Karl Malone: From Louisiana. Kinda a jerk. Likes driving trucks. Sounds like her dream man.

2. Ricky Bobby: Because she thinks he's real. And really cool.

3. Andrei Kirilenko: She'll only see him once a year, which keeps her on pace for a baby a year.

Steve said...

She could get together with Christina Aguilera and have Fred Smoot give them the old double header treatment...

marcomarco said...

Manny Ramirez.

Imagine the deep intellectual conversations. They could have a reality show called 'IQ'.

Dan Mega said...

Surprised nobody has mentioned Borat yet.

"I will make liquid explosion inside her!"

Nice.

Brian in Oxford said...

so um, how about the dead Miami player?

sorry, i hate Britney talk! Sounds like she's stalking Letterman, anyways! :)

Ma4tt (the 4 is silent) said...

Sprots-related figure for Britney Spears?

Well, he's have to be a fringe guy, possibly on the downside of a career, since Britney clearly likes to "date down." She'd have to be in control. So... he can't bring much to the relationship. He'll be on the sidelines a lot, so to speak.

You'd also have to think that the guy would be willing to sign a pre-nup in exchange for publicity.

He'll get to yell a lot, for his own sake, but won't end up effecting much change since she controls the pursestrings.

He'd need to be able to deal with a bunch of babies, since Britney keeps pumping out a unit every year.

Finally, he'd have to be close to Louisiana - Mama Spears doesn't want to get too far from her family!

So:

1) Sideline Figure
2) Publicity Whore
3) Loudmouth w/o Monetary Control
4) Deals with Babies
5) Southern Guy

And there you have it:


BILL PARCELLS!

Damn, their kids would be BLONDE - bottle blonde, that is. The Tuna and The Britney. A match made in hell.

Ma4tt (the 4 is silent) said...

Ouch, Brian. Pata is dead less than 6 hours, and you're cracking jokes? Yikes.

Mike said...

C'mon, Leinart has to go for it after the Paris Hilton debacle.

john (ann arbor, mi) said...

... was... was that a joke?

I just thought brian was observing that there was an actual, honest-to-goodness, interesting, sports-related story being reported in the world.

Maybe he thought it was more worthy of discussion than the new Mr. Britney Spears?

Anywayz, wow. Do we know anything about this? I have tried pretty hard to ignore Miami this year - was this guy significant in terms of playing time? In terms of action in that brawl? In terms of upside?
Any culprits? Does the city of Miami just suck this much (I mean, I'm from Detroit, I don't mean to talk trash)? Was anybody from FIU around? (I... don't know if I'm serious about wondering that, or not.) What's the deal?

GuyInTheCorner said...

he was a starter and he would have been a 1st or 2nd round pick in this years draft

no details are available but it has been ruled a homicide

nep1293 said...

I gotta give K-Fed some credit. Even though the guy is an absolute loser, he was nailin Britney when she was hot as hell and now that she spit out a few kids and looks like shit he gets away from it all. Probably even getting a nice sum of money to do so. K-Fed for president. He gives hope to every man in the world.


I think once Britney gets back in shape and looks good again we'll see Kobe right next to her (after his impending divorce of course)

FutureLegendVinceYoung said...

Did you see Britney on Letterman the other night, she looked pretty good. I do not think it is a coincidence that she decided to get back in shape and then toss the extra baggage to the curb.

As for a sports hook-up were is the Ron Artest posts. You know she is going to have to go back in the studio and with Ron-Ron producing you know there will be late night fireworks between those two.

nyc-steelers fan said...

Butch WNBA roleplayer.

Eric in High Point,NC said...

Schuler wins! Schuler wins!

GuyInTheCorner said...

i think it's funny that in DC where i live the name Heath Shuler makes everyone start laughing and then say "Wow. That guy sucked. I can't believe he used to play for us. He makes me think bad of myself."

and now he's moving here....

adam said...

Britney seems to love the backups that can grow funny looking facial hair. With that being said, there is a great backup in Oakland who can grow funny looking facial hair. My money is on Aaron Brooks, he can turn her career back around, just like he did in New Orleans and Oakland!

Anonymous said...

A guy who wore a "Pimp Daddy" jacket to their wedding is getting divorced? What...a...surprise...

I think the perfect rebound man is Kenny Chesney. He's short, he can afford bodyguards to keep K-Fed away, he's got a ton of fans who will leave her alone, and she has no chance of getting knocked up. It's perfect. Then if Tom Cruise divorces, we can have some real fun.

Jon said...

Yeah, K-Fed is big time white trash but he made out like a bandit. Living the high life with Britney for 2 years (the hot Britney for about 1), obviously sleeping around on his Vegas trips while using her ATM card, and he's getting 10 mill to walk away.

As for her sports rebound, I'm thinking Martina Navratalova.

Ma4tt (the 4 is silent) said...

Kenny Chesney is already dating Peyton Manning.

Brian in Oxford said...

I wasn't cracking the joke on Pata being killed.....was serious that I hate britney talk, especially in a sports forum. it went....why is a britney story here instead of a player being shot. then upon realizing we're stuck with a britney store here, i might as well play THAT up for whatever it could be.

Richard said...

Madonna:

Remember the kiss?

Tim said...

I would absolutely love it if Kenny Chesney was the rebound guy. I would pay good money to see my girlfriend's reaction to that announcement.

Dave said...

The best part about this: the rumours that the breaking point in the relationship came when Britney laughed at tapes of Federline's recent appearances in WWE and Federline flipped shit and started destroying their property.

jen said...

Hey, Tom Cruise isn't married yet! I want to see Skanky Spears break up that engagement and see poor little Katie cry!

jamesmnordbergjr said...

I can't believe no one even mentioned the black man who loves to date crazy white women...Dennis Rodman. He could talk her into a three-way with his new co-star Mini Me and then sell the tape for a gazillion bucks.

marcomarco said...

Page2 now has a survey that directly rips off answers provided here.

Funny.