Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Questions to Ask Before Marriage? (Maybe This Is Why Brady and Moynihan Broke Up?)

From time to time, I think it's not a terrible idea to put some non-sports stuff here.

I saw something online that kind of intrigued me, and I figured some of you could either relate – or perhaps benefit for future use. The current "Most Emailed" content from the New York Times is a series of questions that "experts" "suggest" that "couples" "ask themselves" before they "consider marrying." Below I provide the questions, and for each, the safe, "right" answer and the dangerous, "honest" answer.

(Note: These are for entertainment purposes only. They aren't necessarily my actual answers to these questions. For example, the part about hating a spouse's friends or family. But perhaps some of you who are married or in a serious relationship can relate... or add your own.)

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Right answer: Yes, whatever you want. As the mother of our child, I think it should be your preference.

Honest answer: Yes, me. Right up until you realize that, in fact, you'd rather be at home lounging on the couch than being at work.

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Right answer: Of course I'll give up that daily Starbucks habit to sock a few extra bucks away for our retirement.

Honest answer: What the fuck do you mean I can't buy "us" the Nintendo Wii?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Right answer: 50/50 sounds fair!

Honest answer: If I already know you're going to criticize how I use the Swiffer, why should I even bother?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Right answer: We have no secrets.

Honest answer: Well, I AM a lunatic.

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

Right answer: Why of course "cuddling" counts as affection!

Honest answer: After the honeymoon, I will be able to count the sex on two hands, won't I? One hand, really.

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Right answer: Not tonight? I understand.

Honest answer: So those cuffs are a no-go?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Right answer: How else would we giggle over "Daily Show" together?

Honest answer: No TV in bedroom = Deal-breaker

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

Right answer: Anything is always up for discussion.

Honest answer: I don't want to hear it.

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Right answer: Hebrew school? Sure!

Honest answer: Only if it doesn't conflict with his future stardom as: (a) NBA player, (b) hedge-fund manager or (c) TV star.

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

Right answer: Of course I like your friends!

Honest answer: I hate your fucking friends.

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Right answer: Our parents are a cherished part of our relationship.

Honest answer: I hate your fucking parents.

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

Right answer: They don't visit enough!

Honest answer: Let me point you to my blog about it…

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Right answer: I want you to maintain your own identity.

Honest answer: Porn.

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

Right answer: If it's something you really want, we'll make it work.

Honest answer: How much money are we talking about here?

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Right answer: I love you and we will work through anything we face together, as a team.

Honest answer: Eh, why not?

(Where this entire premise falls short for me is that so many of these questions relate to conditions that may happen when a couple simply moves in together -- co-habitation being the new marriage, of course. Also, let me re-emphasize: No TV in the bedroom? Who wants to live like that? And who wants to live with someone who wants to live like that? I, for one, know that my wife would have divorced ME if I had proposed something so insane.)

We now return to sports-related topics...

-- D.S.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for pointing this article out. My girlfriend and i have been together a little over a year, and we moved to San Diego together back in July. Living together has answered some of these questions, but not all.

Now I have to make sure she does not ever see this article. Can you block a NYT page on a person's laptop? Anybody know how? I fear the marriage talk, AND I suck at giving the right answer. I would give too many of the honest answers.

Lastly, I am anti-tv in the bedroom.

Big D said...

Laugh out loud funny on a few of these. I think my boss just decided to revoke my Internet priviliges at work...

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend fully supports me purchasing the Wii.


Anonymous said...

"co-habitation being the new marriage, of course"

Um, no.

And let us know when your child's girlfriend/boyfriend reads this.

Sheldiz said...

"TV after sex is the new cigarette after sex"

no way. sex after sex is the new cigarette after sex.

anyway... i like this list. i forwarded to the boyfriend. hilarity will ensue.

EPorvaznik said...

It's been awhile since I've said this, Dan: absolutely 100% dead-on and funny as hell and thank you! Nah, not at all bitter about my brief marriage and divorce. As the great Kinison said, I'm an idiot, I'll get married again.

Anonymous said...

No kidding. TV in teh bedroom? Ridiculous. Just what I need is to try to go to sleep and then hearing the 'Sex and the City' intro music starting up.
Replace 'Sex and the city' with any popular show aimed at women. It's all the same.
If the TV is in the bedroom, you don't have any excuse to be watching TV by yourself. The wife/girlfriend would insist you come to the room to watch together. BAH

Keep a plasma in the Living Room or Den.

I second Sheldiz. TV after sex? If you're under the age of 40, sex after sex (then followed by sleep) is the only acceptable thing to do. To do anything else is a disservice.

chitown italian said...

I think I just wet my pants. Thanks Shanny.

Eric Chase said...

What a great Hanukah present to me from Dan. Great post!

T-Mill said...

Freakin' hilarious as always. I love the newspapers that think they know everything like the NYT

MoonHopper said...

I used to be married. If I'd had this list before before that, I wouldn't be divorced because I would never have gotten married. Trust me, the right answer and the honest answer can NEVER be the same and you are never told what the "right" answer is, but you still must know it. By the way, I don't recommend marriage to anyone else and this list just proves why.

What, me bitter? Why do you ask?

Kurt said...

"search for the HOSTS file on your computer, add the link and after it. you're all set." - jeff

Other way around Jeff, you put then the link. Seb pho, heres a bit more info:

The file called "hosts" is located in C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\etc and you should open it in notepad.

You should see: localhost

So just enter a line below that that says:

and another that says:

Save and close the file and try to access on the computer. Shouldn't work!

Anonymous said...

Nice to see you drop the f-bomb, Dan.

Of course there should be TV in the bedroom. Hopefully two. You can keep your eye on a couple pre-game shows while half sleep on Sunday. Then fully wake up halfway through 1st quarter and enjoy your local game and your Season Ticket game of your choice. And, yes, there will always be money in the budget in my (fantasy) marriage for DirecTV and Season Ticket.

You could definitely have a Wii. But PS3, that's a lotta fucking money...

Jen said...

My husband insists on a TV in the bedroom, yet I am the one that gets sent in there if I don't want to watch what he is watching on the family room TV. That's ok though, because I hate having to wake up and move my ass from the oversized chair to my bed!

Great one Dan!